Al and Jean taking coffee.

I was very young when I read Albert Camus’s “The Myth of Sisyphus” and I will be very old if I ever reread it. Camus and Jean Paul Sartre sipping coffee on the Left Bank of Paris talking about life, existentialism and politics. How they suffered. In his essay Camus asks why not suicide? A nice tight intellectual dialectic with a hint of ennui. Later after coffee they might have discussed male pattern baldness.

William Styron thoughts on suicide have nothing to do with ennui. In his essay on depression and suicide “Invisible Darkness” Styron deals with his personal experience with depression. He believes people take their lives to escape the very real and tangible pain of depression which he terms the “Invisible Darkness.” A pain so great that suicide becomes the only option.

The message on the computer was highlighted in red for a possible suicide attempt. Last year I did three possible suicide attempts while working in Kuwait. This year in Afghanistan I’ve lost count. The soldier was a woman somewhere in or near Kandahar. She had e-mailed her mother that something had happened in her unit and to say good-bye to her family. She wanted her mother to take care of her of nine year old daughter.

What happened in her unit that she wanted out? Was it the physiological creeping darkness of depression that entered her body. Or did something or someone violate her in way so profound and damaging that she couldn’t make it anymore? Or maybe she entered a world without love? There was a rupture.

The air conditioner is on at our office in Bagram. Ten days ago the snowflakes were large and the base was filled with sloppy mud. Now, it is hot and summery. After delivering the message of a possible suicide I stared at the computer screen letting the coolness of the blue ether settle in. Now, I'm waiting to hear from command if she is safe. Kandahar would be hotter and dustier more oppressive with summer coming on. The Spring called for an offensive on the Taliban. Drones were already flying into Pakistan dropping bombs. Bagram was attacked twice in the last week killing one. The trees bud, the snows melt and to everything under the sun there is a season .. It appears to be the season for war. I am waiting for a call from command...

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